We're talking about living a meaningful life and newsflash, a life full of meaning doesn't happen by accident. If that’s the case, then the best way to break this down is to reverse engineer it. But be warned. If you continue reading and digesting what comes next, you’ll be without excuse. You won’t be able to say you don't really know what to do.

You and I want our lives to count for something.

You and I want to live remarkable stories.

So, let’s simplify this, by using two simple hand tools as our metaphor. A hammer and a chisel. When he drilled through that mountain, Das used these two tools to get what he wanted. It required both tools equally and it required a LOT of repetition and commitment.

Hammer = Voices Chisel = Choices.

How do you drill a hole through a mountain? How do you do something meaningful? How do you create a life that you're proud of? These two tools are crucial for you and I to realize a life like that.

Let’s build the case a bit further. See if you spot a trend here. How do you become an interesting person? You need to do interesting things. You need to talk about interesting things. You need to care about interesting things. There’s no way around this. How do you become a respected person? You need to do respectable things. You have to say respectable things. How do you become a responsible person? Ok. You get it.

Remember, this is not simply about getting attention or approval.

It’s about getting admiration from people who actually matter…including yourself.

Ask yourself. Would you rather have a great reputation with strangers or people in your life who matter? Picture the striving CFO at a company who is quickly climbing the corporate ladder. She keeps getting bigger offices, nicer cars and increasingly more money in her paycheck. Her ego is swelling, her stress level is dangerously high and her friends have forgotten what it’s like to spend time with her.

To be fair, maybe this is exactly what she wants. Only she knows that. For most of us, we know this would leave us emotionally and socially hollow.

Hard work at the expense of deep relationships and contentment isn’t the only thing we can get caught up in while searching for a meaningful life. Attention seeking can lead us down negative or darker paths too.

You can get attention by doing the wrong thing. it's very easy to do the wrong thing. It's very easy to be an idiot. It's hard to do the right thing. It's even harder to do the right thing over and over and over habitually. Many times doing the wrong thing seems so enticing.

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There’s a compelling quote attributed to Teddy Roosevelt. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I’d like to offer what I believe to be a more helpful statement.

“Unhealthy comparison is the thief of your best self.”

If you were to compare an aspect of your life to someone else’s, and in turn you make strides to emulate a healthy behavior or perspective, I’m all for it. When comparison pushes you to entertain thoughts of superiority or inferiority directed at another person or at yourself, that’s the danger zone.

For me, I began to understand this between 10th and 11th grade—I was going to stop being so obsessed with trying to be a second-rate version of everybody else. And I was going to start, moment by moment, being a version of myself that I was proud of. Most of all, a version of myself that earned the admiration of people in my life that mattered. It didn't happen overnight. But here's the deal. We already have a Sally. Stop being a second-rate version of Sally, we already have one. Stop being a second-rate version of Fred, we have a Fred. Don't be a second-rate version of him.

Now, it's okay to be inspired by people, but when you try to become them, that's what gets weird. Fred has this, and Fred has that. Or your neighbor gets a new car, and you're like, “Oh, I want to get a new car now. This is old lemon I'm driving is the worst.” Stupid. Fred, meanwhile, does not have a good relationship with his family members. He's very successful in some ways that you are not, and vice versa. You are successful in ways that he isn't. Heck, I read about a guy in L.A. that had spent over 100K on surgeries in order to look like Justin Bieber. Really. The article sadly ended with him being found dead on the floor of his apartment after an overdose.

Everyone's got some good, bad, and ugly in their life. Everybody. And you and I need to stop trying to be a second-rate version of someone else because you don't know the whole deal of who those other people are. It's just what you see on the outside.

Look at Mike Tyson. You look at that guy, and you're like, “Oh, man, what an incredible athlete. If only I could be a millionaire, and be a champion, and on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and be famous.” Yeah, Mike Tyson, you know what his net worth was? Here's one thing he's not good at, money management. Mike Tyson, at the height of his career, what was his net worth? Go ahead, guess. $300 million was his net worth at the height of his career when he had the most money he ever had. What's his net worth now? $3 million.

Do you know why? Because he wanted to buy another helicopter.

He's thinking, “I want to buy more helicopters.” He needed someone slapping him, “Stop buying helicopters, Mike! Put your money in savings, and stocks. No more helicopters.” The guy had a 64-bedroom house. He needed more bedrooms. For why? For whom? Who's going to clean that house? I don't know. We look at somebody, and then we get jealous, and it’s a stupid habit.

“Unhealthy comparison is the thief of your best self.”

We do it all the time, we want to live a meaningful life, and then we look around, and think, “But they went on a trip to Cabo. I went to Target. That's where I went on a trip to. Target. Gosh, it must be nice. They go on all these trips. Oh, look at all their pictures, they look so happy and impressive.” Cut. It. Out.

No matter how “successful” you are, it will never be enough when you are addicted to comparing. Admiration is a whole different story. Anyone can get attention. The average Instagram account has 150 followers. On Instagram right now, I have 3,000 followers, and some people say, “Geez you’re lucky.” I could be an idiot and get 50,000 followers by ruining myself and hitting myself with things and putting firecrackers up my nose. There are some accounts like that. I could be a complete idiot. I could have gone to Area 51 and filmed myself. “I'm through the gates!” Yes, I would have gotten a lot of attention. I would not have any admiration, I promise you. And what I want you to focus on is getting admired more than getting people's attention.

Minimize

There’s a dorm room that I’ve never forgotten. Looking back now, this room altered the way I live my life. It was 20 years ago. A few friends and I went to a discussion group across campus. We knocked. We crossed the threshold. We were in some sort of zen garden of tranquility. What enamored me to this room was its simplicity.

Bunk bed- perfectly kempt.

Wall- spare with a calendar

Floor- carpet free from a single crumb or sock

Metal pipe running up wall- held a backpack

Desk- with pencil and paper

Shelf- several textbooks

You’ve likely been in a more typical dorm room. Maybe you lived in one. I can imagine the room of two guys down the hall from mine. It was the end of the school year and time to clean and pack. Josh was in his room “cleaning” with a snow shovel.

…back to the collegiate Zen garden.

What left such an impression on me was the minimalism and the care that was shown. Everything had a place. Nothing was extraneous. Nothing hid in dark corners.

Everything in the room was useful.

Let’s consider our communication like this.

Too often, our receivers are picking up snow shovels to sort through the mess for our message.

As it relates to communication, let’s explore going minimal.

1.Brevity makes you better

Thursday, November 19, 1863, at the dedication of the Soldiers' National Cemetery in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, four and a half months after the Union armies defeated those of the Confederacy at the Battle of Gettysburg, the president shared a message. As the crowd became quiet, Abraham Lincoln took center stage. His speech was expected to somewhat be an afterthought to the main eloquent speaker that day. Edward Everett preceded Lincoln and spoke for nearly two hours. People loved listening to this guy.

What’s the first line of his speech from that day? Oh, right. You don’t know. No one does.

The Gettysburg Address was about as brief as speeches come.

Know how long it took to present? 10 minutes? 5 minutes?

Around 2 minutes. 272 total words.

And it’s known as one of the greatest speeches in American History.

Even the rock-star Everett was quoted afterward as saying, “I wish that I could flatter myself that I had come as near to the central idea of the occasion in two hours as you did in two minutes.”

The crowd isn’t listening and is distracted? It’s mostly your fault. Stop being long winded. If your content isn’t fascinating, make your delivery fascinating.

Above all else, make your communication brief. Of course, there is a limit to brevity, and we’ll look at that in a minute. Um…I mean in A SECOND!

Hands up if you love when you have to listen to something boring and long.

No hands up. Ever.

If you hate it, then stop doing it. A few years ago, I was asked to emcee a TEDX event. Looking back now, my opening welcome presentation was too long. It’s actually on YouTube. Search “Mike Hall TEDX Hickory”. Over 12 minutes for an introduction was overkill. Think of inviting someone over to your house and they end up staying much later than you wanted them to. You start stretching and saying, “boy oh boy am I tired” or “I’m sure you’ve had a long day LuLu and you have a long 5-minute drive home”. I could swear I saw people stretching and nodding off that day when I was the emcee.

TED talks are so popular because they’re not only interesting but brief. One rule at TED is that you can’t take more than 20 minutes. Most TED talks are closer to 10 minutes. We’re more fast paced than we were as a society even 10 years ago. The longer your presentation is, the more you will have to rely on the ideas on the following three chapters such as commercials, props, humor, and media. My presentations at schools are usually 45 minutes. That’s a long time to listen to someone talk. But consider that my audience is usually 13 years old. That’s an eternity to them. I’ve asked kids afterwards if it felt too long. 99 out of 100 responses was no. I lean heavy on everything in this book to maximize my mouth and keep them focused. Most adults afterward are incredulous that I was able to hold their attention for that long.

Some things just cannot be communicated in 5 minutes, or even 20 minutes. But please, make your communication as BRIEF as you can. Leave them wanting more.

2.Ensure they eat the core

My brother had a friend when he was in college who would eat an entire apple. The entire thing. I watched him do it. He ate the core. It intrigued me.

If the person you are talking to could remember one thing in your message, what would you want that to be? What do you need that to be? What do they need that to be?

That is the core. We want them to eat it.

Before writing that email or walking into that presentation, take a minute to consider this. What is crucial?

Now don’t miss the point in this. Walking into a presentation and saying, “Joe-Bob’s Jerky tastes better than all other jerky. Buy it.”, and then handing out order forms will not win you much business. However, if that is your goal, then build your entire presentation around that idea.

I don’t care how long you are communicating if in the end it’s clear what your core is.

Practically, to get them to digest the core, you can do a few things.

• You can repeat the same single phrase several times.

• Before saying or writing anything, stop and consider what the core of your message is.

• Send the message you’ve written to someone else first and have them tell you what the core idea is. Rewrite if necessary.

• Make sure the core idea is in the beginning and end of what you’re saying.

This goes for a presentation, a letter you write to a politician about something you feel is important, even a heavy text message to your brother, or a speech to your board of advisors.

Now reduce the extraneous fluff you’ve added in.

I’ll be honest, my habit is to interject in a conversation with too many metaphors. The point was made with the first example I offered.

“Maybe it’s kind of like a car that has a muffler hanging off and dragging down the road.”

“or when you go on vacation and only pack one flip-flop.

“like a chicken that was put into a flock of turkeys but doesn’t realize it’s not a turkey.”

This is my Achilles heel. Too many metaphors. That’s why I’m writing this book to myself too.

We’re going to put followers under a microscope to see how they tick. We will, of course, see their commonality. Aside from their desire to matter and belong, though, there are also some important areas of variance that I want you to see first.

How followers are different:

1. Desire for personal interaction with the leader

Some members won’t need personal interaction at all. Others will seek you out every time you turn the corner. It is the job of the leader to know and manage this. Remember, you only have about 10 hours to cross the river. You cannot simply sit in the shade and share jokes and childhood stories with the needier members just because they crave it. You should not ignore this reality, though. If some need to talk a lot, consider teaming them up with others who like to talk. This then frees you up to bounce around from member to member throughout the day or length of the task to provide direction and encouragement.

2. Ability to positively or negatively influence the group

When you say “jump,”

some say...

How high? (clear submission and respect)

Why?

I only will if I see others jumping first.

No.

Make me. (open defiance)

These attitudes must be managed. The “how high” people will be huge assets, providing you with instant assistance, while the “make me” folks will require a very short leash so they do not poison the entire group. It is also quite possible that those with such a defiant attitude are actually involved in the wrong group and should spend their time somewhere that is a better fit for them. Sometimes it’s necessary to send them packing to another group, but I’m a fan of seeing things through with the whole group intact whenever possible.

Fresh out of college, I was offered a unique opportunity to lead. A friend invited me to a Young Life summer camp for a month to provide leadership for 30 high school students who were there to work as volunteers - doing laundry, washing dishes, serving tables, etc. Several times during the month, a student would threaten to go home due to some sort of tension with a teammate. I have rarely been so proud as when I stood up on the final day and said, “We did it. We’re all still here. We finished together.” It was physically, mentally, and emotionally draining to have conversation after conversation with several students and occasionally the whole group about teamwork, but the life lessons learned in this area, for all of us, were well worth the exhaustion.

3. Work ethic

We’re all raised differently. While some of us grow up on farms, waking early, driving tractors, and caring for animals, others of us grow up in posh gated communities, only concerned with making it to practice on time, leaving our dirty dishes on the table for someone else to wash. Neither is better in and of itself, but just know as a leader that your members have been raised in differing situations and with differing expectations for work.

Once when I was moving, we were packing the truck, and a friend came over to help. Only he barely helped. He carried a few boxes here and there and mostly wanted to stand around and talk to me about stuff. It was annoying because there was a lot of work to do. I wanted to hurry up and finish so that we could then have lunch and talk.

Some members will be in absolute beast mode; some will want to take a break every four minutes. It’s imperative to realize that the harder workers will get very frustrated by those that seem lazier. You must keep the beast mode members working like horses if you want to make the best progress. Few things are as disheartening to a hard worker than seeing lazy workers enabled by the leader. Maybe they just have a sucky attitude and need some tough love. Maybe you haven’t put them in a role they can flourish in. Maybe you haven’t spent enough time with them. As the one in charge, it’s your responsibility to discover how each member is motivated and then motivate them.

4. Motivation sources

People are motivated by different things. Some are motivated by prizes and incentives. Some are motivated by words of praise and pats on the back. Being around positive and hardworking members could motivate some people. While a few could be motivated by a quick, relaxing break, others won’t want to stop at all. Still others are motivated by simply knowing they completed a task using hard work and ingenuity. You have to know what motivates people to spur them to action.

In our bridge scenario, the desire to not be “bear dinner” should be motivation enough. In normal, day-to-day life, though, your followers will need unique encouragements to keep them on task. Do you know your followers? Have you taken the time to listen and understand them? If you have, then seeing their individual motivations should be easy.

5. Dedication to the task

FACT: there is a task that must be completed; therefore, you must manage personalities. While some members go with the flow, some push against it. If you have been clear with defining the win, then most will be dedicated to seeing the process through. Be aware, though, that not everyone in your group will see the same value in completing the current task at hand. They may be looking forward to what’s next on the agenda or still lingering in what happened yesterday. Knowing that their dedication levels will vary helps you keep the less focused members focused.

How followers are the same:

1. Desire to matter

In my third season playing lacrosse, I was issued equipment and a jersey with the number 22. The bench was a good friend of mine that year. Every once in a while, I’d get in the game for a minute or two, but I didn’t really contribute to our success. I belonged, but didn’t seem to matter.

Later as a lacrosse coach, I remembered how I felt as a young player and did my best to convince each guy that he mattered to the team. I’ll be honest - one player never felt like he mattered. He was a state champion wrestler that wanted to play lacrosse, but he wasn’t very good at it. I knew he was a stud athlete with a great work ethic, so I gave him a shot to be the second-string goalie. At practice and in games, he’d always have some kind of role to play, but not enough of a role to keep him happy. He stayed around for one season and moved on. I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t, and I can’t blame him for quitting. His prowess on the wrestling team gave him a huge dose of mattering that the backup lacrosse goalie job didn’t. I’m not saying I should have given him a starting role; he really wasn’t good. What I could have done was talk to him honestly about how he was feeling. An attempt could have been made to give him perspective. I could have done this, but I didn’t. Keep in mind, though, that sometimes someone is honestly not a good fit for your team. In the end of the day, if you have done the hard work of getting to know them and have talked through their unique gifts, motivations and passions, but they just aren’t a good fit, then by all means, cut them loose to pursue opportunities that are better-suited to them. Just never let them leave as a result of you not leading them.

How can you cultivate “mattering” for your group members?

See them

Listen to them

Give them real responsibility.